Creative Writing: Awful Moody Me

I am in an awful mood today. And I know what to do, but I don’t want to.

I don’t want to let go of my frustration, I don’t want to release my anger. I hate being me, but I dig my heels so deep into me.

The night is falling outside, its darkness looming over me, finding its way inside of me. My chest is heavy. I hate the dark, but I don’t want to let it go. So I eat more of it. My unwillingness to choose light astounds me. It terrifies me to the core. 

I don’t want to be so very human. 

 

He turns the water on and lets it run until the temperature is just right, then fills the basin. He lets a few drops of essential oils fall into the water and they begin to dance at the surface while a sweet fragrance fills the room. His every move is intentional.

Next, he kneels before me and sets a fluffy towel on the ground.

“Let me wash your feet,” he simply says.

My filth fills me, and I can’t even lift my head to meet his eyes. 

“Allow me,” he says. He gently takes one of my feet and puts it in the warm water. He lets water seep into my crusty skin for a few seconds, then pulls the foot out and lays it on his knee. He squeezes the sponge out, then washes every inch of my dirty foot with meticulous tenderness. His touch is like a blanket, and the soiled water lands on his leg. 

“Please don’t,” I plead, humbled to the core. 

He wraps my foot into the fluffy towel and dries it, one toe at a time. It feels like a glove that travels up all the way to my heart, thawing out the icicles lodged in there. I notice that my cheeks are wet with tears.

“Look up,” he says.

I cannot. 

I feel his fingers lifting up my chin, and my heart beats so loudly that my chest feels like it’s about to explode. 

“Just a hiccup on the road,” he says, his eyes meeting mine. “You know you are already clean.”

He takes my other foot and repeats the process. My tears flow freely now.

“Let me love you back to safety,” he says.

His words somehow give me freedom to accept the frailty of my humanness in all that it is. My uglies and all. My dependence on Him. I feel my harshness melting under the gentle pressure of His love. 

All will be well.

Showing Up and Gaining Approval

Showing up for yourself

Showing up for yourself is not a skill that is either wired into your DNA or not. It is a learned skill that has everything to do with being intentional and yielded to your Creator.

Did you ever feel like you were 100 % committed to a decision, and then, as the day goes by, you totally let go of that commitment by night time? Like for example a decision to go for a run after work–why does it feel like there’s that morning version of you who has all the best intentions in the world but then the evening version shows up and they all go out the window?

The way to win in that moment is to bring clear consciousness to what we are doing.

What we Think and Feel

Remember the Think-Feel-Act cycle? This cycle unfolds every day, all day long, whether we like it or not.

What we feel is always a result of what we are thinking. And most of our thinking is automatic, default, knee-jerk thinking that we don’t even notice as thoughts.

To pay attention to our thoughts and notice how they make us feel, write it all out and start doing the work of shifting them is a lot of hard work. But you know what? The worry and dread that comes from not doing it is a lot more work.

So we really get to choose.

Understanding “Showing up”

Once we understand the think-feel-act cycle, why is it that we still often don’t show up for ourselves? Why don’t we do what we said we were going to do? Why don’t we have our own back?

We have no problem showing up for our parents, teachers, authority figures. Deep down, we do so in order to gain their approval. We have been conditioned to do so as a way to feel good about ourselves, but it’s a backwards way of thinking.

Feeling good about Yourself

Feeling good about yourself in a way that it fills your life with true joy ultimately doesn’t come from what other people say about you or how they treat you,  because what someone says is simply a circumstance that doesn’t bring about feelings. Words spoken by people around you are just words until you have a thought about these words.

Your thought about what they say about you is what triggers your feelings.

Think about how often you have dismissed someone’s approval. It was the same words as when you accepted the approval, but your thoughts about those words were different.

Your Thoughts about you.

The think-feel-act cycle teaches us that the only thing that can create the lasting feeling of acceptance inside of yourself.

What matters is what you think about yourself.

Only when your thoughts are telling you that you are okay and you are enough can you feel good about yourself in a long-lasting way. Only then will you stop this never-ending chase for approvals in others.

You can only grant approval to yourself by believing the Scriptures.

Yield to God and be at Peace (Job 22:21)

Once you believe what God says about the new creature that you have become through Jesus’ blood, your thoughts about yourself will be in harmony with God’s and you will no longer crave other people’s approval, because you will know that God Himself approves of you, and therefore you are okay.

Showing up for Yourself

If you tell yourself that it’s okay to to disappoint yourself as long as you don’t disappoint other people, you have fooled yourself into believing that other people create magic in your life. Other people create success and positive results.

Your positive results and successes are always, always a result of the think-feel-act cycle being in harmony with the Word of God.

You can’t put thoughts in other people’s head. You can’t make people feel feelings. You can’t force
people to take action. That’s all you.

Claiming Authority

You have got to start claiming the authority that you have in your life. The good news is that nobody ever took it away. Nobody ever removed that authority from you. You just didn’t realize that you hadn’t. You didn’t have any idea how powerful you were, how capable you are when you yield to God.

If you want help with these life-changing issues, I am here for you! Drop me a line and we can start a conversation! And if this blog post could be useful to any of your friends, please share it!